Problematic Love That Unknowingly Ruins and Helps You Grow=By Kim Ji-yong, Dplot.
If you find yourself searching YouTube for tarot readings such as “Does that person still think about me?” or listening to “love luck frequencies” promising “They’ll contact you in eight minutes,” this book suggests a different starting point: look inward.
For readers who avoid dating out of fear of heartbreak, or who cannot break out of relationships that repeat the same wounds, the author urges them to stop blaming fate, inborn fortune or past love — and instead examine what is operating in the unconscious.
A psychiatrist, Kim draws on cases from the clinic involving people worn down by love and dating. In counseling, he uses what he calls a “T-hammer” approach to bring up what has been buried beneath the surface. He coolly analyzes patterns ranging from people who cannot begin relationships, to those who date but cannot deepen intimacy, to those who cycle through frequent breakups, and those who repeatedly end up in unequal power dynamics in romance.
Kim cites Freud’s line that “in a married couple’s bedroom, there are six people,” arguing that romantic relationships are strongly shaped by attachment formed with parents during childhood. One case involves a woman in her early 30s — with striking looks and a stable job — who has never dated. Raised by a tyrannical father, she unconsciously built a wall around herself with the rule that a partner must be “anything but like Dad.” Other examples include a person who cannot stand loneliness, someone who wants to be loved exclusively, and someone who is “too nice,” offering scenarios meant to prompt readers to recognize themselves in past or current relationships.
The author also tells readers to break free from what he calls the gaslighting promise that “somewhere in this world, your true other half exists.” He keeps swinging the “T-hammer,” but the message is ultimately warm: not destiny, but reason to look inward, conversation with a partner, and growth that expands each person’s sense of self. The book invites a blunt question — have you ever loved that way? If not, Kim writes, start now.
He also recommends the book to prospective parents and those raising young children, saying the attachment types described can help readers assess their own tendencies and consider whether they may be passing on insecure attachment to their children.
“‘Life is not something you explore in order to live; it is something you explore while living.’ Yang Gui-ja,
Life is not a period of exploration spent trying to find a fixed answer. There is no correct answer to begin with. It is unpredictably complex, and every moment is contradictory. By living through those contradictions and paradoxes, we gain unexpected insight and grow. That was true for me, and for everyone I have met. (omitted) Near the end of
Mind Study With Mencius=By Jang Hyeon-geun, Hangilsa.
The author, a professor in the Department of Chinese Studies at Yongin University and an adjunct professor at Jilin University in China, explains that Mencius’ concept of “budongsim” — an unshakable mind — is not about suppressing emotion. He describes it as internalizing principles that do not collapse under any circumstances. Humans are good by nature, he writes, and when people waver it is due to outside influence. Based on Mencius’ answers for how not to be shaken, the book lays out 22 everyday principles.
They include holding to one’s intent and center without meddling in small matters; not lingering too long at the door of someone who has closed off conversation; keeping principles without losing sight of what is more important and urgent; and setting principles to hold onto when judgment blurs or emotions take over. For readers who feel unsteady day to day, the book aims to offer a standard for self-reflection.
“Mencius was different. Rather than simply following fate, he opened the possibility of ‘seeing’ fate differently through self-cultivation and effort. He acknowledged an unavoidable fate, but also recognized that not everything is unavoidable, and sought ways to find happiness and joy on the latter side. He presented the path of seeking the nature within people — benevolence, righteousness, propriety and wisdom — as a ‘beneficial’ solution. What benefits life is not money or power, but cultivation of the mind. Happiness gained through character cultivation is more important in life than a fate that brings good fortune.” (p. 273)
* This article has been translated by AI.
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